Beware of Mood-Swinging Master Swordmen
by Nemi
Summary: Eh, rating might go up as I add more chapters, I'm not too sure. As for what it is about. Well it's pre-game and the answer to how the SOLIDER trio are going to make little bishies-to-be if they are all gay. This is Yaoi, Slash, GAY! But it's fun too.
1. There's a Bubble in my Tummy...

Don't own anything but the story. This is waaaaaaaaay AU and is pre game.  
  
This results from a conversation on one of my MLs on "They have to be bi otherwise how are they going to make little bishies to be?!"  
  
Here's my answer.  
  
never been perggers myself so if I get some stuff wrong tell me.  
  
also assuming the FF world is ok with homosexuality, something other than monogamy, and children are important.  
  
standard disclaimers apply  
  
in progress betaing  
  
Thanks Kip!  
  
Sephiroth wiped the last trace of vomit from his lips and glared back the petite young woman in a lab coat, ignoring the fact that he was on his knees and trying to ignore the fact his gut was still complaining.  
  
"Sir, Hojo has finished with your blood tests and other than finding abnormal levels of certain hormones in your blood stream he has not found what could be causing your illness and requires you to come down to see him."  
  
/'Require' 'Order' same thing,/ Sephiroth thought bitterly. Though, the hormone thing explained his mood swings, and if Hojo could get rid of it and bring him back to normal... /He has to! I cannot do my job like this. Besides, the bloating is starting to get to me./ It was true; he had been lucky enough to be able to control himself in public, but he had to think of it constantly, reminding himself he couldn't behead people just because they were bothering him or anything like that; it was against regulations. He was slipping though; a few nights ago while laying in bed with his lover he had started crying. Him, crying. And all because is lover had kissed his forehead and said, 'I love you.'  
  
His eyes stared to brim with tears. /That was so sweet of him!/ Then stomach gave a twinge pulling him out of that mood swing, /Damnit, I shouldn't have eaten that pickle and pecan sandwich./  
  
He nodded and followed the woman out.  
  
* * * *  
  
Hojo stared at the charts, nothing made any sense, nothing to explain what was wrong with the General. Nothing chemical, except the hormones which were the source of Sephiroth's mood swings and illness, but he could not find the cause for the life of him.  
  
He had even made Sephiroth take various brain scanning tests thinking that perhaps there was something disturbing the glands there.  
  
He sighed, /Let's try the obvious shall we? His abdomen hurts so let's check the abdomen. There was no foreign agents in his blood and the medications I gave him to purge his digestive track haven't done anything but make him /more/ nauseous so it has to be something physical...Which should be impossible but.../  
  
He wheeled a sonogram machine over and prepped it. "I heard some tainted meat was shipped in and a few got mako enhanced tapeworm and various other parasites. Perhaps you have some sort of infestation."  
  
"Then why the hell didn't you do this in the first place?" Sephiroth snapped waspishly, folding his arms. But he knew he answer, Hojo rarely got him down here so when he was there he was loaded with tests.  
  
Hojo ignored him and put the cold probe to Sephiroth's belly. He kept his eyes on the screen as Sephiroth found the wall to his left interesting.  
  
/H-what?/  
  
He shifted it around, trying to get a better picture. It was not in the digestive track, thankfully, some minor aberrations seemed to suggest that it had migrated out of it. It was a bubble, and there was something in it that should be connected to the side was instead free floating in the middle of it. However it was unmistakable what it was despite the size and impossibility of it.  
  
/This is impossible./  
  
/I am a GENIUS! I have just made scientific history!/ 


	2. Dumb boys. Smart girl.

standard disclaimers apply  
  
in progress betaing  
  
Author's Note:  
  
In this chapter there is the explination of how Sephy dearest can get preggers as well as a hats off to Twig, tell me if you can spot it.  
  
Also, dumb Palmer, /STUPID/ Suicidal Heidegger, and Nice Scarlet  
  
Enjoy.  
  
Part Two  
  
The executives of Shin-ra inc. were a bit confused as to why a meeting was called, by Hojo of all people, with Sephiroth in attendance. Everyone knew that Sephiroth abhorred the creepy old man, but beyond that the two of them never attended meetings they weren't required for because they had no interest in the company or in money.  
  
But no one was worried. They owned the world, nothing could go wrong.  
  
However they were severely weirded out when they entered and Sephiroth dropped into his chair, pulled his knees to his chest with his ankles crossed, /hugged/ himself and looked utterly dejected and miserable with laying his head on top of his knees.  
  
Hojo launched his attack, "As you may or may not know, Sephiroth was an experiment..."  
  
Sephiroth tuned it out. He /was/ miserable and dejected. After Hojo had explained himself he had chased him around the lab with his Masamune as the scientist shouted out explanations. Said Jenova was Cetra, Ancient, Sephiroth had countered by saying that humans were their descendants and human males did not get...He shut himself away from the memory. He had destroyed a lot of glassware when that--*Jerk* mentioned that it might really be an it, a monster.  
  
He sighed, a twinge of sad guilt tugging at his heart, /Those poor test tubes./  
  
Scarlet was the first to loose her patients, "Get to the point Hojo!"  
  
The professor sighed, "Sephiroth is, in a word, pregnant."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Sephiroth closed his eyes.  
  
"The Jenova specimen can regenerate spontaneously at will and not by instinct. Sephiroth shares many of her traits. But Jenova had wanted it, how it could happen spontaneously in..."  
  
Sephiroth thought back, letting Hojo's annoying voice drift out of his consciousness.  
  
=Begin Flashback=  
  
"I wish we could have children, I know it's important to you and your family... I mean we can get married, but...Wishful thinking I know. I don't even want a kid, even though I do in an odd way. It doesn't make any sense but we're both drunk, thank you for joining me, I hate it when I have to get shots from 'the good doctor' and this time he even gave me the wrong injection and I'm rambling but I don--"  
  
He kissed his cheek, "Don't worry about it, I was happy to join you and Hojo is an idiot. If my town and family are in that big of an uproar we'll adopt, if they aren't, they we won't, in either case we won't unless we both, or all three of us if we can get him to join us, agree on it--but a child would be nice. And it's not 'we can' it's 'we will' as soon we can get that stupid regulation changed or one of us resigns."  
  
Sephiroth sighed. "Besides, I'd make a horrible father."  
  
He grinned, "Who said anything about you being the daddy, you'd make a better mommy." And with that he took on the duties of the husband to his wife.  
  
=End Flashback=  
  
Sephiroth was dragged out of his sweet memory by these words, "--Child would make an excellent specimen--"  
  
The next instant, before another syllable could be uttered Sephiroth was up, Masamune in one hand, Hojo's neck in the other, pinning the creepy little man to the table. His eyes blazed, pupils contracted to literal pinpoints. "You are NOT touching my baby!!! Or so help me I'll feed you your toes, and sell your mutilated feet on Wallmarket as ashtrays!"  
  
He held up his hands and croaked something that sounded like "Alright." and Sephiroth let him up.  
  
There was a minor buzz of conversation going around him, but a few things stuck out.  
  
"I hope he doesn't intended to give birth au natural."  
  
"--Can't. Remember Hojo said it wasn't in his digestive track anymore."  
  
"Do you--Cesarean section?"  
  
"--think so"  
  
"What I want to know is who the hell is the Father!"  
  
"He's just a stupid uke, how's he supposed to know who the father is?"  
  
Dead silence. Heidegger attempted to fold his arms over his fat little body and looked bitter while nearly everyone else in the room stared at him in utter shock. Scarlet however focused her gaze on Sephiroth.  
  
His eyes were huge, disbelieving, set on a precipice, his grip on his sword was so tight his hand was trembling. One thought stuck though Scarlet's head, /He's could kill us all./  
  
Then his shoulders drooped and his gaze fixed on the floor. He sniffled.  
  
All gazes focused on Sephiroth again, and inanely she found that the idea of Sephiroth bursting into tears was more frightening than death by his blade.  
  
Suddenly he stood up and walked towards the President, eyes blank, unseeing. He scooted away as Sephiroth bent over and started going though his files.  
  
Then he stood and plunked cross-legged into the closest overstuffed chair and began eating chocolates from the box he had found with his free hand. The gears were turning in his head, trying to sort himself out, fighting the rising tide of his emotions, to find a middle ground between rage and grief.  
  
He still held Masamune in a tight hold, the inside curve pressing into the back of Heidegger's neck. He spit out the cherry cordial he had just bitten into, his face transforming into something horrible, he began to pull his arm back.  
  
A small hand on the junction between his shoulder and neck stopped him, the touch was cold, but alive against his skin. Scarlet sat herself down in the seat between the two generals, a smile, oddly a sincere, on her face--after she glared at Palmer when he snuck up to steal Sephiroth's chocolates. "I'm sure Heidegger's sorry, /aren't/ you, Heidegger?"  
  
The fat man in green nodded, his face pale behind his beard.  
  
Scarlet gently began rubbing his skin, trying to calm him down, "A friend of mine got pregnant at once, her boyfriend banged her up then left her. She had a horrible time with the pregnancy and everything."  
  
Sephiroth hunched his shoulder's but did not pull away or threaten anyone's life, he looked almost like a confused child, arm folded protectively over his stomach. His voice was beginning to sound almost shrill, "I'm turning into a /Blimp/! What if something happens to it? How am I going to do my work? What if I grow breasts? How is it going to come out? What are my men going to think of me? What if it's not hu--"  
  
"Calm down, stress isn't good for the baby."  
  
Sephiroth immediately quieted, almost all tension draining, or rather, forced, out of his body at once.  
  
"Once my friend got past the morning sickness being pregnant, well," she shrugged, "it agreed with her, she was happy, maybe it'll be the same with you. Why don't you go to your quarters and take a nap, that should help, alright?" She smiled and patted his back when he stood up shakily. "I tell you what," She began, gently liberating the box of chocolates from his hands, "I'll send a box of chocolates and some ice-cream down, kay?"  
  
Sephiroth's eyes widened and a small, but very happy smile, lit his face while he practically salivated, "Butterscotch pecan with pickles?"  
  
She grinned at him, "Of course!" he nodded, bouncing on his toes, and almost, /almost/, began skipping before restraining himself to walking--albeit with a certain bounce to his step.  
  
Silence still reigned as the door slid shut. Scarlet was the only one that dared to breath and she pulled a piece of paper and a pen out of the desk and began writing a note while she reached for the phone with her other hand. Hunching her shoulder to hold the phone to her ear she continued and dialed her office number.  
  
"Hey Sal? Look I have a couple of errands that need to be done yesterday, this is life and death. First things first, send someone out to buy..." She paused for a moment, considering, "Three boxes of chocolates, see if you can find ones *without* cherries in them, three boxes of truffles, and a box of pecan turtles for a total of seven, got that? Ok, now, an extra large jar of gourmet pickles, and an extra large jar of peanut butter, make that two, one creamy one extra crunchy. And two pints of Jen and Harry's ice cream, butterscotch pecan and...Rocky Road." She signed her name and folded the note in half, "In the mean time send someone up to the President's office to get a note, then I want everything, note, chocolates, ice-cream, everything, with a bow, in a basket delivered to Sephiroth's front door--make sure it's given to him directly! ...Yes I did say 'Sephiroth,' no this isn't a joke, hurry!" She hung up and sat back in the chair Sephiroth had occupied last, folding her arms as everyone stared at her. "Well? Isn't anyone going to do anything? I just saved your lives."  
  
President Shin-ra was not a man that could inspire loyalty or devotion, but he was a reasonably intelligent man, and a rich one at that. He knew that he couldn't do these things, thus he surrounded himself with people whom he perceived could have their loyalty bought. No one could out bid him with Gil, but a snub could drive someone away, and more money would have to be spent to bring them back. President Shinra knew this, and with this in mind he spoke, "Heidegger, I'm docking you pay for a month, Scarlet, you're getting his pay." Before Heidegger could complain he turned his attention elsewhere, "Hojo! I've been around pregnant woman before, and they are /nowhere/ near," he point to the door Sephiroth had exited from, "anything like that! Explain, NOW!"  
  
"Er... Well, that's just it."  
  
"That's. Just. What?"  
  
"He's not a a pregnant human female; he's pregnant half alien male." Palmer gave him a blank look. /Note to self, take blood samples from various people and compare to monsters to determine if the Cetra bred outside their species to produce individuals such as Palmer./ He dumped it down, "Sephiroth is not a pregnant normal girl, he's a pregnant alien," he resisted the urge to add in an explanation of the word 'alien,' "Guy."  
  
Palmer made an 'Ohhh' look, nodded, and promptly turned his attention back to the chocolates he was trying to filch.  
  
"DNA is like the blueprint for our bodies, but it has two parts and in the most simplistic of views where they match up that's what you look like. Females, girls," he glared at the back of Palmer's head, "have two X 'blueprints' while males have an X and a Y 'blueprint.' Technically the male body has all the information needed to produce a child, the instincts, the chemical reactions, but they are just 'cut off' by the Y blueprint."  
  
Palmer looked at Scarlet then down at his chest, then repeated the movement again. He started poking himself in the chest with one pudgy finger.  
  
Hojo fought the urge to sneer, "My best guess is that the Jenova part of him if doing this on it's own, but the body is reporting that he is pregnant, resulting in the generation of hormones typical of a pregnant female, while his body, in addition, produces normal levels of other hormones. And then there's the backlash. Say he mood-swings then he gets angry, which results in even more hormones, such as testosterone, being produced."  
  
Scarlet chipped in dryly, glaring out the corner of her eye at Heidigger, "So keep him happy, don't hurt his feelings in otherwords."  
  
"Yes." 


	3. Hi Zack! (or alternatively 'Sephy the cl...

So incredibly sorry for the freaky huge delay!  
  
Gomen *bows low and bangs head on the underside of hell*  
  
Sephiroth tapped his foot impatiently, unconsciously grasping his hands in   
front on him rather than folding them as he was usually wont to do. He had   
very carefully forced himself to walk the entire way to the elevator,   
satiated by fact that he /was/ moving. Now in the elevator there was no   
place to move, except back and forth, which was silly.  
  
So he forced himself to walk calmly to his abode. Which worked well until he   
entered his hallway and realized no one was about. With an infectious (had   
anyone been near, or fast, enough to see) grin, he took off like a shot, hair   
and coat sticking straight out behind him like streamers until he skidded to   
a perfect stop directly in front of his door.  
  
He entered and headed straight for the pantry. He had been worried about his   
sudden appetite increase and had not eaten everything he had wanted. He had   
cut down even more at his apparent, and seemingly reasonless *gasp* weight   
gain. Fortunately his belt had hid it quite well.  
  
Sephiroth undid the straps and removed his armor, carelessly, and   
uncharacteristically, dropping them to the floor. Then he removed the wide   
strip of engraved leather that was his belt. It was time to actually eat   
what he wanted. Hojo had warned him that not eating could be very dangerous   
and that while he could wear his belt now in a few months that too would be   
dangerous.  
  
He patted his tummy happily, /I'm not fat, I'm full of baby!/  
  
Baby and tummy growled as one and Sephiroth pulled the five bags of pecans he   
had lifted from the kitchen yesterday and began to eat.  
  
However, before he could even attempt to do so someone knocked on his door.   
curiosity overriding his hunger, for the momment, he went and answered.   
There was a petite woman there, she had and incredibly frightened look on her   
face at the prospect of meeting the Great General face to face. "Uh-uh-umm,   
Sir!" She bowed deeply then straightened, head still bowed, and held a large,   
very full basket up at him, arms trembling slightly at the weight.  
  
Sephiroth eyed the basket and his eyes gleemed with happiness. "Thank you!"   
he chirped and plucked the basket from her grasp easily. She looked up at   
him amazed, and he flashed her a charming grin unconsiously. She beemed back   
and then he slamed the door in her face.  
  
In short notice he was quite comfortably situated on the floor in the middle   
of the living room cross-legged. He was facing the door though he didn't   
take notice of it. Scattered around him was two empty bags of pecans, the   
unopened pint of Rocky Road, a half empty pickle jar and both opened   
peanut-butter jars, as well as a cutting board, several bowls, as well as   
several other, less identifiable things. The chocolate pecan turtles were   
neatly stacked a little ways from him for later.  
  
With a fell swoop of his hand Sephiroth plucked a pickle from the jar and   
gave it a small shake to get rid of the excess juice. Delicately the tip of   
the nodachi blade Masamune made two cuts lengthwise in the mummified   
cucumber, neatly removing a single quater of the vegetable. He devoured the   
single slice and then used his fingers, gloves long since removed, to spread   
creamy peanut butter within the slit, then using the same hand he reached   
back into the pickle jar's and scooped up some of the halved pecans he had   
placed there. Embeded into the peanut butter they were placed next to each   
other, the extra discarded back into the jar.  
  
He took a bite and chewed, a smilecurling his lips and the lids of his eyes   
slightly down with pleasure. Sephiroth reached with his free hand toward the   
butterscotch-pecan icecream, well the now   
butterscotch-extra-pecan-pickels-and-chunky-peanut-butter ice cream, and   
wrenched it free of the ice, created from an ice spell, surrounding it. He   
placed it between his feet and held it there so as to use the slightly bent   
spoon to get out a heap of the mess within. The Hero of the Wutai war stuck   
it in his mouth with the pickle he was already chewing, worked his mouth   
slightly, then swallowed.  
  
"Yum," he said to no one in paticular, save for himself, and perhaps the   
baby, "I really should go shopping with Scarlet one of these days." He   
smiled happily and ate a few more pecans, the ones not in the pickle juice,   
like popcorn. Whether he realized it or not his mood had been greatly   
improved, not just by eating what he wanted to eat, but by the fact that his   
stomach wasn't tied in knots with hunger.  
  
That reminded him of another pang, something not quite of hunger. He felt   
tired, as if he had just gone three days without sleeping on a forced march,   
or rather like when Hojo took too much blood for sampling. Futility he   
looked around again, sniffing, there was something that smelled very good,   
but he couldn't find it anywhere, it was something of a mystery. However   
annoying it was it could wait though.  
  
He looked up and smiled cheerfully at the person who was just starting to  
step though the door. "Hi Zack!" 


	4. /Really/ Dumb Boy. Or 'What Zack /Reall...

There is a Dragon of scales and heart so black.  
She wrote things for she was a hack.  
She prayed and pleaded for Square not to sue,  
For she makes no claims of owning, save the story, lest this day she rue.  
  
An Inspiration fairy tackled me and I wrote this.  
  
Feel free to hate me for the end of this chapter.  
  
Chapter FOUR!  
  
Zack was suffering from shock as he took into the mess that Sephiroth's room was in for one bare second.  
  
Well, it was a mess compared the military precise order it was usually in. Zack swore that Seph used a ruler to place everything it was so perfect.  
  
And he only looked at the room for one second because the next Sephiroth had called his name-/grinning/ (Seph never grinned, at least not like that.), dropped what he was doing (That looked nasty, he hopped that the mess hall hadn't sunk to a new low.), /flounced/ over to him (Very odd looking as he was still holding his sword.), and…well-Glomped him (Eep!).  
  
Zack was in shock.  
  
Sephiroth was talking.  
  
"Oh Zack! It's going to be so great! We'll be A Family; I'll have A Real Family. I always wanted A Family, beyond SOLIDER and you and Cloud, of course you are enough, and Cloud is, well I don't know what Cloud is like to me, not a brother or a kid, though everyone treats him that way. Anyways, but it's so great and…"  
  
What little coherence it had started with started to decline steeply-not that Zack got any of that to begin with. So he carefully extracted himself from his lover's grip and held him, hands on his upper arms, away from his body for a moment.  
  
"Seph? What are you talking about? Slower this time."  
  
Sephiroth blinked his green eyes slowly and beamed down at Zack. "Well with everything that Hojo has done to me--"  
  
"Hojo!? Seph did he hurt you? Some new injection? You're acting funny, maybe you should lie down, I'll go get a thermometer. Do you want some Lethal? He would have given you a warning if you could have had any…"  
  
Zack was already helping Sephiroth sit down, dreadfully worried about him. Sometimes Hojo's little tests would do weird things or nothing to Sephiroth. But Sephiroth was already shaking him off and standing up.  
  
"No, no. I'm Fine Zack, really. You should take the Lethal away though since I'm not going to be taking any for about nine months."  
  
Zack gave Sephiroth a bewildered look. All SOLDIERs carried a flask Lethal, as it was called. Lethal was called just that because that is what it was to normal folk, but it was the only thing that could get a mako enhanced human drunk, and even then it needed to be seriously diluted beforehand. No one knew what it was made out of except the little old man that made it. He lived up on the plate as /All/ the SOLDIERs helped pay for his home in addition to the near ridiculous price he charged for the stuff. Why would Seph not want his? And why not for nine months? Perhaps some sort of long-term experiment of Hojo's?  
  
"Zack, I'm pregnant."  
  
Zack blinked dumbly as he stared at Sephiroth.  
  
Zack said the first thing that came to mind, came to almost any boyfriend's mind when they are told this.  
  
"Are you sure it's mine?" 


	5. To Dream of Silver Or: The first semi se...

A/N: Oi, Minna-san, I am terribly sorry! I have no idea what to say!  
  
Hells, what can I say? Twig-sama herself (yes, Twig is a girl, I thought she was a he too.) gave me permission that once I get this thing done that I can cross it over to A Long, Hard Road.  
  
I am pathic, aren't I?  
  
But no worries, or less of them at least, I seem to have hit Inspiration Town, or at least Can-Write-Even-If-Not-Utterly-Banged-Over-Head-By-Mutant-Plot-Bunny Town  
  
Anyways, ONAWARDS!  
  
  
  
Dead Silence.  
  
*CRACK!*  
  
Sephiroth wasn't aware that he could 'hit like a girl.' Who knew that he could be so limp wrested. Though a girl hitting you was something to be feared, they used their nails, and knees.  
  
Which Sephiroth was tempted to do right now.  
  
"GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!"  
  
Masamune was in his hand, sweeping a plane of death at just below waist height in front of him.  
  
Zack of course was madly dancing backwards to avoid loosing parts of his anatomy that he was perhaps overly fond of.  
  
He tried to apologize, unfortunately he couldn't be heard over the vocal expletives that Sephiroth uttered and it looked like his walls would have to be repainted as they were peeling.  
  
Zack jumped back hands behind him, opened the door and jumped back again, falling on his ass.  
  
This was in the end a good thing, as Seph had just picked up a vase and hurtled it out his head just was.  
  
Zack kicked the door closed and leapt up to brace it with his body so it would stay that way.  
  
Zack's mind tried to forget the tears that he saw in Sephiroth's eyes, not just for guilt's sake, but for sanity's sake as well.  
  
There was pounding and the sound of the doorknob being tried futilely.  
  
"GO AWAY AND LET ME OUT NOW!"  
  
"No! Not until you calm down! I'll sleep out here if I have too!"  
  
A scream, nay, a roar of in articulate rage followed up by more paint blistering curses.  
  
"Seph, you are being an idiot!"  
  
"You're implying that I cheated on you you--"  
  
Zack covered the ears of the writer and occasionally grimaced. And then his eyes widened, then narrowed, real anger showing up.  
  
"You're the fucking sperm bank! You're the one that suggested the threesome!"  
  
That was a low-blow as they both adored Cloud-chan and Zack had been dropping hints all over the place and had more opportunity as well considering that the cute blond was in his troop.  
  
Seph also gave him a low-blow in return, as his sword was suddenly sticking out from the door between Zack's legs.  
  
The spikey haired idiot didn't have even time to yelp.  
  
"ZACKARY DONOVAN KINENAGORI, YOU'RE FIRED!"  
  
Such a thing was enough to stun the crying little assitant (apprently the silly little bint thought she had a chance with Sephy-sama) who delivered the basket to look up.  
  
Zack choked and staggered forward, shocked, which was just as well because the sword tilted up sharply and thumped as Sephiroth dropped it.  
  
He went forward in a daze to pack his bags, mentally denying the sounds he heard.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Sephiroth dragged himself forward, resting a hand low on his abdomen.  
  
Zack had brown eyes, but with the mako they sometimes gleamed silver, the way a cat's might gleam green.  
  
But only rarely, when he laughed, looked at him, when his eyes were heavy and near asleep and looked over at him from across their bed.  
  
When he said, "I love you."  
  
He dreamed of that color.  
  
Silver, not like his hair, but a warm silver, the silver of kitten eyes.  
  
Silver...Gin.  
  
Remains of a prayer indeed.  
  
"I know your name already little one."  
  
He collapsed and started to cry.  
  
And eat, but he only for a little while, until he felt ill from even considering it and simply cried like the child he never was.  
  
Somnus Gin. 


End file.
